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Talk:Death Dance Revolution/@comment-6545878-20151021211225
Alright, kiddo, let me run you down through what's wrong with this. First of all, what you got here is a little something known as a "wall of text", meaning it's all one big paragraph. You don't separate a thing. That part is kind of important! It makes your pasta look a lot prettier. Now, the large amounts of space between the story, what you based it off of, and your last bit there are unnecessary. You don't need like 8 empty lines between the story and the last bits. Just use a little dividing mark or something. Next up, we got the story. Kiddo, it's problematic. You got cliches! Cliches (clee-shays) are these things that happen when you use elements of stories that are overused so much they become old hat. For example, a character crying blood is really overused, right? Right! So, basically, unless you have a really good reason for doing so, don't use those tropes. Blood splatter, as you used in this story, is overused. I think you could have executed the scene better. Those hands? What if they pick the girl up and sqeeze her harder as you get better, but when you trip and your combos go down, they let her go? What about an internal conflict where it's win at the expense of the girl dying or lose the game so the girl can live? Now, the end had another cliche: real-life events being caused by a video game. The lure of creepypasta is the belief in the darkest corner of your mind that these things could happen in real life. Now, a really screwed up hacked version of a game isn't anything new, but a game has never picked real-life objects up and thrown them. Not very creepy. Also: the hammer used at the end of the story caught me off guard, and not in a good way. You didn't set up that your character was violent. You didn't ever say he had a hammer in his room. Saying something beforehand like "I worked on small projects in my room sometimes, like making birdfeeders." would have set up the presence of a hammer quite well! Say you go through with having objects attack your character. Have him reach for the hammer on his desk that he'd used to make the birdfeeder earlier! That is what's known as a setup. Using this ensures that your character obtaining something in this fashion to help them in the end doesn't feel like a cop-out. My final score is 0/10. Time for my say on your behavior. This wikia requires a certain amount of maturity. Picture a situation like this: In a gaming store, there is a tournament for a card game (Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Magic: The Gathering, etc.) and a new person comes into the store, asking to play. His skills aren't spectacular, but he insists that everyone should go easy on him just because he's a new player. When he loses, he starts yelling at the other players. Do you think anyone in that store will really like him being around anymore? This is what you are doing. You, a new writer, have walked into a creepypasta wikia with a subpar plot and a story full of cliches. Your skills with grammar and storytelling leave much to be desired. I've seen you responses to my friends in the comments. You have not been respectful. We do not take well to people saying to go easy on them in reviews. I've done so for you hoping to make you see that this is not quality content. Maybe one day you can be a fantastic writer, but you are not there yet. Let me make this clear, bucko. Those who don't take criticism well do not stay in the writing world for long. If you were in my writing teacher's class acting like this, you'd be thrown out the first day. Do not expect me to be kind to you if you continue to act like a child.